


All I want

by Lilywoood



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:27:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22535461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilywoood/pseuds/Lilywoood
Summary: TK never expected to feel that way when he saw them dancing together that night, he wished that the voices in his head wouldn’t point how well they fit in each other’s arm, or how beautiful his laugh was, how he seemed happier and carefree in his hot date embrace, he wished for his heart to stop hurting, to stop beating, for his blood to stop boiling and for his soul to stop dying every time he had to saw them together.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star)/TK Strand, Carlos Reyes/Original Character, Tarlos - Relationship
Comments: 3
Kudos: 158





	All I want

He was emotionally drained, he didn’t want to feel anything anymore, because feeling meant acknowledging the fact that he had hurt him, the fact that he was more than just a friendly hookup, it means that he had developed feelings for him, that he genuinely cared for him, that he liked him, it meant that pushing him out of his life was probably a mistake and TK wasn’t ready nor did he wanted to admit it because even though the mere thought of Carlos with someone else killed him he felt like he made the right choice. He came to regret it sooner than expected though.

* * *

TK never expected to feel that way when he saw them dancing together that night, he wished that the voices in his head wouldn’t point how well they fit in each other’s arm, or how beautiful his laugh was, how he seemed happier and carefree in his hot date embrace, he wished for his heart to stop hurting, to stop beating, for his blood to stop boiling and for his soul to stop dying every time he had to saw them together.

His chest was aching, he felt his heart breaking even more, regret and remorse tearing it down, he needed a drink or several, he needed to leave the room, he needed fresh air because he wasn’t sure he could stay there and listen to Michelle talking about Carlos and his new hot date even more without breaking down.

They were kissing now, the hot date looking at Carlos with so much love in his eyes that for one second just a second he wished he’d never rejected him, his mind was screaming now, the bad thoughts winning against his reason, envy blinding him making him want to march toward the happy couple and ask for an explanation, but he made his bed and now he had to accept his decision and let Carlos move on, even if it was tearing him apart.

He felt like choking, his shirt was starting to get to tight and his heart was beating so fast he was almost sure everyone could hear it, his palms where sweaty and his hands trampling he really needed a drink and a smoke, so he left the bar, he needed to think, needed to breath, needed some fresh air.

He let out a long sigh before digging out a pack of cigarettes from his inside pocket, his hoodie still smelled like him making him laugh crisply, he struggled a bit to lite his cigarette the wind was blowing a little bit too hard they were close to autumn now, he wondered if it was windy in New York....

* * *

Terrence was nice, he was funny and understanding, he didn’t have an emotional baggage and he wasn’t prone on getting himself in trouble, Terrence was boyfriend material, his team liked him, Michelle though he was interesting and his mama wanted to meet him.

Terrence was perfect, he was everything he could wish for in a potential boyfriend except that Terrence wasn’t TK, he wasn’t frustrating, he didn’t make him shiver in want and need, he didn’t make flower bloom in the pit of his stomach, his touch didn’t set his skin on fire, it was too calm, too quiet , it was disturbingly perfect and that wasn’t what Carlos wanted, it wasn’t who he craved.

* * *

- **You should go** , Terrence smiled sadly after their last dance 

**-What...what do you mean,** Carlos demanded slightly confused

Terrence took a deep breath stroking his cheek softly, repressing a chuckle.

- **You kept on fixing him,** he explained, **you were shying from my touch** , he pursued, **I know I’m not the one that you want Carlos** , he breathed, **I’m freeing you,** he declared.

- **Freeing me,** Carlos frowned.

- **Yes freeing you,** Terence retorted, **it’s been a nice two months and I won’t forget you** , he smiled, **but I’m not a masochist I know you don’t like me** , he stated, **and to be honest I don’t feel it with you,** he lied, **so go find your lover boy,** he laughed pushing him toward the door.

* * *

It was too cliche for his own good, rain was falling down, it was raining so much it looked like a flood, people were trying to find shelter but not him, he was busy running to the Strand house without caring if he was wet, without caring of the distance between the bar and the Strands.

He felt as if the rains drop were washing away the sadness, the nostalgia, the sorrow. He didn’t care of getting wet, he didn’t even care that he could get sick he kept on running, he was rebirthing, reliving, he felt as if a huge burden had been lifted out of him.

He was on mission, he had to find TK, had to tell him how he felt, had to fight for him, for them, he couldn’t give up, he wouldn’t give up.

* * *

He felt nothing...Nothing but heartache, Carlos had been the best thing that happened to him and he lost him, his stubbornness to keep on clinging to his past costed him what could have been a sane and uncomplicated relationship and he lost it, ruined it, letting him with nothing but the fact that he had to cope with the hurt it brought him, so that why he didn’t wants to feel, so that’s why he decided to tune out his emotions. 

He was still mourning the end of something that never had the chance to began when he heard it, his famous knocking, he didn’t want to believe it, didn’t dare to hope that Carlos had come back to him, that he was willing to give him a second chance, that he liked him enough to abandon his hot date.

- **TK** **please open the door** , Carlos muffled voice begged, **I know you’re there please open** , he demanded knocking once more.

He couldn’t move, his body felt suddenly so heavy, the voices were back and getting loud, telling him how he wasn’t worthy enough for be with Carlos, how the other man deserved better than an addict mess, once again fear was paralyzing him keeping him from getting his happiness.

- **I’m sorry but I can’t,** he croaked marching toward the door and caressing it as a substitute of Carlos strong body... **I know you want painless and easy love, you want someone that stays, someone that won’t throw a petty tantrum because of dinner,** he chuckled drily, **because they’re a mess** , he breathed

- **You’re wrong, you’re wrong to think I want easy** ,Carlos retorted caressing the door, I don’t want easy, **I don’t need it** , he vehemently denied, **the only thing I want and need is you TK** , he declared

- **But I’m a mess,** TK cried passing a hand on his face.

- **So** , he heard Carlos retort, **I’m a mess too does it means you don’t want me** , he asked in defiance

 **-I left you,** he croaked letting himself fall on his knees.

- **So did I,** Carlos responded taking another step toward the door, **TK** , he called tiredly, **can you open,** he croaked his shoulder hunched, **I need to see you,** he whispered.

- **I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve to be liked by you, you don’t deserve to be with a mess, a disaster like me,** he teared, **why don’t you hate me,** he demanded opening the door and throwing himself at Carlos.

- **I’m a mess too you know, if only you knew how broken I am, if only you knew how much of a disappointment, how disastrous it’ll be to be with me,** Carlos started, **ask Michelle she’ll tell you,** he added softly stroking TK’s cheeks with his thumb, **if there is one of us who deserve better it’s you TK not me** , he grinned, **but I’m selfish and idealist, I keep on trying even though I know I don’t deserve you, I like you too much to not try,** he avowed in a whisper.

 **-I like you too,** TK breathed tears streaming down his face, **it’s frightening how much I like you,** he chuckled.

- **Yeah** ? Carlos beamed kissing his forehead.

- **Yes you jerk, I like you** , TK confirmed taking his hand and guiding him inside.


End file.
